Look closely again at the Closed System Tube:
As I mentioned before, the tube for the Closed System once it is inserted,
it completely blocks the opening of the anus; therefore the filling and
releasing is going to be only through that tube.
You can see that there are two openings near the tip of the tube. All of
your feces must pass into these two holes which are approximately 5/8-inch
diameter. This is a fraction of the diameter of what usually comes out when
Most people's decision to have a colonic is based on a feeling of being
constipated and impacted. Which means that they have two kinds of feces in
their colon: one is 'fresh-formed' and the other is composed of very dense,
old, impacted matter. The 'fresh-formed' stool will break down when it
absorbs some of the water that would be introduced into the colon and will
have an easier time passing through the tube and into the sewer. The 'dense
old' chunks will not have enough time to soften right away. Once it is moved
out of its place it will be forced out of the colon by peristaltic waves.
Now, you have all these hard 'balls and chunks' trying to come out and
getting stuck at the 'exit', because the opening in the tube is not big
enough! (If you take a look at the picture you can easily see it yourself).
The pressure inside of your colon is building up, and there is no place to
release other than on the table (needless to say there is no 'built-in' vent
system). That is when the therapist will gently take the tube out, and you
make sure that you hold your 'cheeks' tight while you are getting off the
table, and go to the restroom.
While you are sitting there the appointment time is ticking away. After you
are done there, if you still have enough time left, you can get back on the
table, the therapist will reinsert the tube and the session will continue.
Unfortunately most places will offer you 30-45 min. cleansing time per
This is where you would need to buy a package of 5-10 colonics.
session on the Open system usually
begins with disrobing in private from the waist down. You will be able to
keep most of your top clothing on. Before the therapist steps out he/she
will explain to you how to get on the table and put the rectal tube in. It
is very easy to do. You will be given some kind of lubricant and fresh sheet
to cover yourself during the session. So, there is no exposure, unless you
need assistance with putting the tube in.
By the time the therapist returns to the treatment room you are all covered
and the session begins. (Please read 'Your Appointment' section to get all
The Open system’s specially-designed, tailored table has a built-in vent
system, which will GUARANTEE a smell-free session for both the client and
the therapist in any circumstance. All the knobs to control the water
temperature, the flow, and flusher jet to flush your releases (which works
pretty much like your own toilet), are within your reach. You can have total
control over your session if you choose to.
Most regular clients like their session in private, so they can read, listen
to music, or meditate while they are cleansing.
The size of a rectal tube is as small as a pencil and will go in only as far
as 1 to 1.5 inches (see the picture comparing the 2 tubes above). You can
hardly feel it. Because it is so small, its opening can carry only water.
During the session you will be repeatedly receiving water through the tube
into the colon and releasing all the contents of your colon naturally,
around the tube and out. ANY SIZE of feces can be released easily and
naturally. There is no need to interrupt the session to go to the
restroom! Everything that is being released is now being passed into the
Like I mentioned above, slowing down the water flow will give you superb
results. You just need to know when to adjust the flow. Everybody responds
to the treatment differently, that is why there is no set-time that will
work for all clients.
On your first visit I will guide you through the whole process, so you will
understand when the best time for you to change the water flow is. Since
everybody responds to the treatment differently, there is no set-time that
will work for all clients.
It is also nice that you can release (or push the water out) at any
time YOU want, without a need to inform the therapist.
The massage is also a very important part. The Open system will allow a
therapist to have free hands during the whole session. Therefore clients can
get massages for up to 20-30 minutes straight without interruption!
For those who prefer solitude I can show you what to do and how to massage
the abdomen, so that you can get the best results. But if you ask me I would
prefer to assist you on your treatments, since I am a little more
experienced in this field.
IMPORTANT! While you are very gently but constantly getting water into your
colon, the peristaltic waves are constantly pushing the water out. Having a
constant massage DURING this process will flush your system in fewer
sessions. Also, keep in mind that you will not waste any time having to get
off the table to go use the bathroom. You are on the table, uninterrupted,
for up to one hour, with or without a therapist (at least this is what we
offer to our clients).
One of the strong points that Closed System schools like to emphasize about
Open Systems is that “the clients who get colonic on the Open device have
to sit in a pile of their own feces during the session”
This is not correct.
Once you expel whatever it is (feces, mucous, water, parasites, bacteria,
gas, etc.), everything goes down the drain and into a sewer (don't forget
there is a built-in, odorless vent system). Releasing the body's waste
during the colon hydrotherapy session is equal to a trip to a bathroom. You
do not expect to be dry while you are on the toilet. After all, next to the
toilet there is a toilet paper for you to wipe yourself after you are done,
to maintain personal hygiene. The Open system unit has a built-in sprayer
hose for you to rinse yourself with AFTER the session. You will be
COMPLETELY clean before you get dressed. This is a very nice feature since
some people do get colonics on their lunch breaks, or before going out on a
date (to get a flat stomach, get tighter more hydrated skin, or just to feel
I went for my bi-monthly colonic and coffee enema session at a colon hydrotherapy clinic run by a female therapist. A coffee enema is always given, only after a complete machine colonic to make the session more effective. After my machine colonic, I expelled the remaining residual water while on the toilet. I cleaned my backside with toilet paper and a baby wipe provided in the bathroom. When I returned to the treatment room, the therapist had a 2qt disposable enema bag prepared with 103F organic coffee solution. Attached is a disposable silicone rectal catheter approx. 1/2" in diameter. She asks me to assume the left-lateral position for the insertion (left side with both knees drawn toward the chest). She lubricated her right index finger with coconut oil, raised my buttock, and inserted her finger up my rectum about 2". This makes the insertion of the colon tube completely without discomfort. She lubricated the colon tube with a generous amount of coconut oil.
Next, she raised my buttock, and asked me to breathe in....and as I exhaled, she gently slid the colon tube up into my rectum 5"-6". I only felt a little pressure when the tip of the catheter passed my sphincter. It goes in very easy for a deep insertion. She opened the clamp, and I felt the rush of warmth in my lower abdomen. She had me lower my right knee so that I was now in the left-Sims position. I barely felt a little cramping toward the end of the enema. The therapist always administers the solution slowly to minimize discomfort. I held almost all of it when I started having the urge to expel. She gently removed the catheter, and I got down and went to the commode. Most enemas that I've been given in my life have usually been associated with discomfort and embarrassment. But my therapist knows how to administer coffee enemas with absolute comfort and minimum embarrassment.
The onset of hypothyroidism made me very constipated and unable to complete a
bowel movement. My metabolism was so slow that food sat in my gut and gave me
stomach aches. I looked in the litter box and noticed the cat was out-crapping
I allowed this to go on for around 6 months until I was straight up desperate to
take a real dump. Like, the kind that Dr. Oz tells you you’re supposed to take,
only bigger and multiplied by three. When conventional over-the-counter methods
failed me, I turned to colon hydrotherapy.
I chose a body wellness center located underneath a country line dancing club
and showed up to my appointment wearing comfy clothes and a smile. My boyfriend
was the designated driver because I was legitimately frightened of squirting in
my pants afterward.
The owner was disappointingly normal looking; a pretty white lady with mom
bangs. I wished she was an older lady with wild gray hair, lots of turquoise
jewelry, and maybe a tattoo behind her ear. We basically just talked poop for a
little bit, I signed a waiver, and It. Was. On.
She showed me to the room where my treatment would take place. There was a
rocking chair for spectators and the table that I was to lie on, which was
actually a toilet.
Then she started giving me instructions and I became
worried. I was to disrobe my bottom half and lie on the toilet with my knees
apart or legs up and my butt next to the drain. There was a package containing a
new and sterile plastic nozzle for me to crack open and attach to the water
And I was provided a personal lubricant packet to use on my anus and plastic
nozzle and insert it about an inch and a half into my rectum.
Insert it myself? I fucking knew it. I had hoped she would do it for me but I
couldn’t ask her to. Fine. The owner left and I did my thing. I had never
inserted anything in my ass so I was nervous and excited.
The nozzle was tiny; a hair wider than a pencil eraser. I greased up, felt to
make sure my butthole was where I left it, and stuck it in. It felt like
nothing, so I kind of wiggled it in and out to double check things. Seriously
though, I also did it to find out if I liked it and would want something in my
butt later. Didn’t like it, didn’t hate it.
I covered up with the pink fleece blanket and rang the doorbell on the wall to
let the owner know I was ready. She came back in and had more instructions for
me. She told me when she turned on the water I would feel a warm sensation
growing in my abdomen. Then when I felt pressure, as though I had to use the
bathroom, I should push all the water out of me as hard as I could.
That confused me. You see, I imagined that this hose put the water in my ass and
then a reverse switch would be flipped and the excrement goodness would be
neatly flushed out of me via said hose. That is not how a colonic works.
Duped again! Yes, I paid a bunch of money, that I should not have been spending,
to push out my own shit.
The owner turned on the water and stayed with me while I got the hang of it.
When the water went in I felt like I had a deuce on deck and when I pushed it
out I felt like I was making diarrhea. I was lying down and pooping under a pink
fleece blanket with a stranger.
She encouraged me to let a lot of water in, almost until it hurt, and then blast
all of it out. There was an element of magic because the anus is a crafty little
muscle and it held onto the nozzle even when I pushed.
When I got used to what was happening, she set a timer for 45 minutes and left
me again. I was on my own. That pissed me off. I kept thinking, “I paid for
I guess I didn’t know what I was paying for. And since I had gone through all
the trouble of tapping my own sphincter I supposed I had to soldier on.
I was letting water in and pushing it out for almost 10 minutes and watching the
viewing tube in the mirror for signs of life. Just cloudy ass water.
It took until the 15-minute mark to see some action. I had imagined all of the
compacted crap breaking down and flying through the viewing tube like space
rocks whipping through the milky way. Instead it came out in the form of flakes
and crumbs. Not results, in my opinion.
The owner came back in, you know, just to say hi, and saw my lack of results.
Once again, she advised me to take as much water in as I could stand and assured
me that it was safe. I was officially sick of her and wanted to get this over
She left and I got to work letting more and more water into my bum. I figured if
there was any danger I would have felt terrible pain and all I had felt were poo
cramps so I was in good shape.
I set a goal to let the water in for 20 seconds. I relaxed my anus and watched
the clock. The feeling of that much water entering your colon is not unlike the
worst diarrhea of your life. But it’s worse because you are willing yourself to
I was breathing like a woman in labor and kept telling myself that the poop baby
I had so often joked about with friends was going to fly out of me. But the
viewing tube just filled with tan water and fecal specks.
I checked the timer and there were less than 20 minutes to go. I made a
decision: FUCK THIS SHIT. I hit the doorbell on the wall to send up my white
flag. The owner came in and shut the water off but looked disappointed. It must
have come as a surprise to her that I wasn’t into lower G.I. hyper-douching.
She gave me some privacy so I could express any leftover water from my butt into
the toilet bed, wipe off, and finally put my pants back on. Aah, dignity.
I entered the colonic experience with optimism and the highest of hopes for
bowel relief. I left the colonic experience feeling weirded out and lost. On the
way home, I made my boyfriend stop at Marshall’s where I did 3 laps around the
shoe section and tried on several pairs I never would have bought. Then I ended
up buying a fake leather pocket book that I hate.
That night, I went to my sister-in-law’s bachelorette party and had to use the
bathroom at least 4 times to release more ass water. Pissing out of my ass in a
public bathroom while a bunch of bachelorettes daintily tinkled and chatted
almost made me cry.
Oh yeah, the colonic did not make me regular. A change in medication from a real
live doctor did the trick.
In an age of Internet daily deals, we are used to getting invitations from
Groupon, LivingSocial, AmazonLocal, and a host of copycat websites. Pay $15 for
$30 of food at a local restaurant; buy a cheap vacation for two in Cabo; get 52%
off on go-kart racing. Businesses receive less money than they normally would
for their goods or services with the worthwhile trade-off of attracting new
It’s quite common to receive such offers for alternative health treatments
(Acupuncture, Reflexology, and Chiropractic seem to be particularly popular), so
it didn’t surprise me one morning to receive a Groupon offer for “Up to 57% Off
Colon Hydrotherapy” at a small clinic less than two miles from my house. The
deal read, in part:
Like a house, your body should be thoroughly cleaned every so often to sweep
away stubborn crumbs and ensure that there are no poltergeists hiding inside.
Flush out unwanted bodily residents with today's Groupon [for] Colon
In a Nutshell: FDA-approved LIBBE equipment gently flushes toxins & waste
from colons with disposable nozzles that expel purified water.
The ad contained more description and weak attempts at humor, but I’ll break it
down for you: Colon Hydrotherapy (a.k.a. Colonic Irrigation) attempts to remove
“toxins” from your digestive tract by placing a tube in your rectum and pushing
water into your body to make you expel the contents of your colon.
This is the point at which most of us would hit the delete key and read the next
email. Not me, though. I knew immediately that I had to buy this. After all, on
my podcast, my co-host and I investigate fringe science and supernatural claims
first hand. “We show up so you don’t have to,” is our motto. We’d already had
listener requests to try colon cleansing, and there’s no way I was going to pay
the full $90 to have water flushed up my rear end. This was my golden
opportunity. I called my co-host Carrie Poppy to see if she wanted one as well
(you could buy up to 2 additional sessions as gifts). She demurred: “Water up my
butt? No thanks. I’ll try the Master Cleanse.” (Carrie may have thought she was
getting off easy, but her post tells otherwise.)
After a few months of putting off the grand event, I finally called for an
appointment, and was given a set of instructions:
Eat lightly the night before: stay away from red meat, starchy foods, and heavy
stuff [heavy stuff?], alcohol or caffeinated drinks. Eat lightly the day of.
Don’t eat anything at least two hours before your session. Drink plenty of
water. Dress comfortably. Bring Groupon.
I followed all the dietary instructions dutifully and met Carrie the next day at
the clinic. Upon entering the suite, we found ourselves in a nicely-decorated
office with dark, saturated walls, and some beautiful artwork and furniture.
Behind the reception desk was a very young-looking woman; Carrie and I estimated
somewhere between seventeen and twenty years old. I fiddled with the business
cards on the desk and asked, “Who will I be seeing today?” “Oh, I’m your
therapist,” she said. Clearly she hadn’t been doing this for long, which was
less than reassuring. As I went to use the restroom one last time, Carrie
prodded my soon-to-be-prodder about how long she had been in the business. “So
how long have you been doing colonics?” “Oh, well, I used to be in massage.” “Uh
huh. And how long have you been doing THIS?” “Well, my sister used to have
chronic constipation, but thanks to colonics, she’s all clear now.” Clearly,
Carrie was getting nowhere. It was time to put my money where my... openings
Before receiving the treatment, I had to go through five pages of information
and forms. They wanted my contact information, the reason for my visit, whether
I’d ever had a colon cleanse before, and my history of medications or diseases.
I signed a consent form stating I wouldn’t hold them liable if something went
wrong. “Oh no!” I thought, “What could go wrong?”
The next step was to proceed into the treatment room. At the far end was a
curved, plastic bed with some towels laid down for my head, small side ledges
for my feet, and a big gully running up the middle to catch all of my
excretions. The bed was hooked up by a series of tubes to a wooden cabinet on
the wall with all the controls. Natasha showed me where I’d sit on the bed and
instructed me to wear a plastic glove, remove the packet of lube from the end of
the tube, and then use the gloved hand to place the tube “at least two and a
half inches” into my... self. She could see the shock on my face, and tried to
make me feel better. “Some clinics use a tube that’s THIS big!” she said,
cupping her hand about four inches in diameter. I nodded weakly at the
The plastic bed where I would do the deed.
After Carrie and Natasha had left the room, I undressed from the waist down and
approached the bed with some trepidation. I’m almost thirty years old, and never
in my life has anything traveled up my rectum; it’s been a decidedly one-way
street. The tube was rigid, and perhaps three-quarters of an inch thick. On the
wall in front of me a poster offered inspiring phrases in all caps: “FALL IN
LOVE. NEVER GIVE UP. BELIEVE IN MAGIC. LEARN MORE. FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS. TRY NEW
THINGS. AND ABOVE ALL… MAKE EVERY MOMENT COUNT.” Gee thanks, poster. I took a
deep breath and inserted the tube, then lay back on the hard plastic and buzzed
for Carrie and Natasha. I was, indeed, counting every moment.
Natasha and Carrie returned, and Natasha came over to the bed and peeked under
my towel to see if I’d installed the tube properly. I had. She then went the
wooden cupboard and got the machine started up. It had the steady hum of a large
fish tank. She informed me that the ideal temperature was between 97 and 104
degrees Fahrenheit, and a sensor would stop the flow if the water became too
hot. I was then asked which level of pressure I wanted: low, medium or high.
“Low, please. Let’s start with low.” The water started to flow out of the tube
and into my rectum, and I had the very odd sensation of having my belly inflated
from within. Natasha told me to let my colon fill up as much as possible and
then release naturally. I looked over at Carrie for moral support. She was
The inspirational print was less than inspiring.
There was a bit of panic at first. It was a new, uncomfortable sensation, and I
quickly felt like I needed to release my bowels. Normally one is sitting on a
toilet, not a bed, and in private, not with two women watching, so my modesty
made me hold out a bit at first until I nearly felt the urge to throw up (we
were informed that sometimes people do vomit). I pushed, and a bunch of liquid
rushed out into the gully of the bed. From there, gravity and water flow pulled
it into a clear, plastic tube that ran alongside the bed: a viewing gallery for
my colonic contents. It was relatively clear at first, and my new concern became
whether or not this tube was going to fall out my backside. I turned to Carrie
and said, “I am worried my butt is going to push this out. That’s been its job
my whole life!” She guffawed.
Natasha explained what we should look for in the clear tube, and Carrie came
over to watch the refuse pour out of me. Natasha advised us how to find yeast in
there, which she said is the primary cause of beer bellies. “You can lose weight
very quickly with colonics,” she said. Most importantly, I would also be
expelling “toxins,” she claimed. When we asked what toxins were, she said they
resulted from smoking, alcohol consumption, and eating a lot of meat. I informed
her that I don’t smoke, rarely drink, and don’t eat much meat, but she insisted
that there were still many harmful toxins in the body and that this process
would help remove. Carrie and I asked what they looked like and what they were
made of. This stumped Natasha, who finally said she’d forgotten the answer
because no one had asked in a long time. There was an answer, she assured us,
and it was taught to her at the training class she attended in Las Vegas. She’d
have to go look it up.
At this point Natasha left the room, and Carrie and I were left to talk about
the experience. I continued to push stuff out of me in the world’s longest bout
of diarrhea. Carrie took pictures of what came out (we have no shame) and then
researched online so she could tell me all the potential harmful side effects of
Colonic Irrigation (she has no shame). I finally noticed the ceiling, with its
obligatory panels of cloud images above my head. Really relaxing, thanks.
Natasha came back in every now and then over the following hour; once to cool
down the water when it had become too hot, and another time to turn the pressure
up to medium (the poster on the wall inspired me to DREAM BIG, though I stopped
short of high pressure).
Carrie snapped this shot of me wearing my "who puts us up to this?" face.
The last step, after an hour of flushing, was to restore some of the bacterial
fauna that I’d lost. Natasha returned with a tall glass of cloudy water and
informed us that it was a probiotic, which would replace some of the good
bacteria my colon needed. She poured the contents into a tube in the cabinet and
then flipped a switch to push it into my colon. “Just try to hold that in you
for two minutes,” she said. “Oh, hey, no problem,” I said, chuckling at my own
anguish. After that last step, the machine was turned off, and I was left alone
again. I removed the tube, which was more difficult than getting it in there to
begin with, pushed out every last bit I could, and then got dressed again.
When I returned to the lobby, Carrie still hadn’t managed to get a definition of
toxins. We talked with Natasha a bit longer and asked her if she’d heard the
rumor about John Wayne and Elvis Presley having died with pounds of decayed
matter stuck in their respective colons. It’s an urban legend, but apparently
popular as an incentive to get Colon Hydrotherapy. “Oh yes, that’s absolutely
true!” she exclaimed. “I saw a picture of John Wayne’s colon!” We asked if she
could find the image online, and she made a few failed attempts before we let
her off the hook. “It’s okay. We’ll find it,” I said. We didn’t.
We said goodbye and left the clinic. Despite our very gracious and friendly
host, and our sample size of one treatment, we left pretty well assured that
having your colon washed out is fairly risky business and unnecessary as a
therapy. You may have to undergo such a treatment at some point as preparation
for a medical procedure, but it should not be necessary as a means of removing
toxins from your body. Our digestive systems, functioning normally, do a pretty
darn good job of expelling waste material on their own. Short of a doctor’s
order, I recommend you pass on Colon Hydrotherapy. There are other ways to TRY
NEW THINGS and MAKE EVERY MOMENT COUNT. You’ll save some money, a fair amount of
your time, and a healthy dose of your dignity.